evets

那些曾经不想提起的。

2011-11-27T15:27:00.003+08:00

电影，真的很好看。

在还没走入电影院之前，我就知道这部电影会有多好看。在一年前第一次看的预告短片，直到后来零零碎碎网路上的片段，每一次都很狠的在我后脑抽了一下。

然后，深呼吸后回到现实，接着叹息。

我曾想过，一定要提起一定的勇气才能走进电影院看这一部电影。一直到昨天，我终于在疲惫的午后，去寻回那一段青春。电影才一开始，那该死的回忆就一幕幕跟着上映。

那么多年了啊。。我差点就忘了那个背影。

那个侧脸，那个笑容。

和那个我。

这个世界上，真的有太多事情是徒劳无功的。往往知道了结果，却还是不惜一切。

如果当时另一个决定，现在又会怎样？

真实人生里，很多事情，真的永远都得不到答案。

电影里有很多小细节，仿佛上演着我的脚本。

那段青春，多么惋惜，多么伤痛，多么热血。

青春真的是一场大雨，就算感冒了，还盼望回头再淋它一次。

谢谢你，让我这么幼稚，这么成熟。

在那两小时里，我重温了那段青春。

鼻也酸了，眼也湿了，嘴角却上扬了。

知道我们都过得很好，我满满祝福真诚的递上了。

你也一定会感受到，只是不同的方式而已。

你一定要过得很好。

＝）

Marshall Rocks

2011-09-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

New Toy
Marshall headphone

"&gt
;

It really rocks!!
=D

周村

2011-07-02T23:27:00.007+08:00

那天，导游依旧口沫横飞地夸大我们下一个景点。我倒是没有多大的期望。导游那一套在前几天就被我们看破了。下了车后，我们大部分都六神无主的跟在后头。大概是太早起身和连日赶路的关系，我们都还不太适应过来。穿过两条小巷，一条大道，我们很快就到达目的地。也不知道导游解说了什么，反正我就非常懊恼和失望，在我观察了四周的特点之后。大概几分钟后，我们又拐了一个弯，到了一个和外头有百分之差的小巷。

一看进去，我还真的被震撼了一下。这里头的店铺建构貌似50-60年代的旧街场。毕竟在马来西亚这些都看不到的。

旅客就是这样，两片再普通不过的木门就足以让我停下脚步。

我们还蛮幸运的。中国五一后，人潮并不太拥挤。所以小巷里还不至于到摩肩接踵的情况。仔细看看，在周村旧商场里逛的大部分都是道地人。旅客也不会太多。

有人说穿过这条小巷的都能成为状元。我却发现几个走过的都是一些上了年纪的叔叔们。

在周村的时光并不长。我们大概只逗留了一个小时。也许就是短暂的那一小时让我对周村留下了特殊的感觉和回忆。往往都这样，美好的东西都会瞬间流逝，怎么也留不着。如果只是擦身而过，那是华丽的邂逅。要是多了感情，那就是遗憾了。

周村那一天，我能记得的，应该就只有这一些了吧。

曲阜孔子，圣坛惊梦。

2011-06-26T18:03:00.007+08:00

还没到曲阜之前，导游就告诫我们说，曲阜虽是夫子的出生地，百姓们很多却没被儒家思想直接性的熏陶。比如说问价讨价后不掏钱，倒是真的会被穷追三条街。也可能百姓们墨守成规的思想，以致本来能蓬勃发展的圣地一直都比其他旅游城落后的多。在神州逗留了八天，留宿了七家酒店，曲阜那家就数较恶劣的。

在曲阜逗留了一夜，主要逛了孔府，孔庙，孔林。实在的说，若是没这孔字当头号，游览三孔其实也不会太令人惊喜，就很普通一座相府，古庙和墓林。还说得上的，就是当晚的《孔子》歌舞剧。恰逢文化节，让我第一次观赏这么大型的东方歌舞剧。剧场演绎了孔子的早年生活，遍访名师，远访老子，然后提倡儒家思想，于朝廷独领风骚，一直到去鲁适卫，周游列国，晚年回鲁。将近三小时的演出，虽说不上一百分的精彩，也真得不错了。难为了我家二老和亲戚们，你们一定都闷坏了。

回到酒店后，我们来了一下子的畅谈，然后很快就呼噜噜去了。因为隔天又要长途跋涉了。

在曲阜那一天，我能记得的就那么多了吧。

曲终人散啦，寂寞得很啊。

山东梁山泊说水浒

2011-06-26T14:41:00.013+08:00

中国古典四大名著之一《水浒传》，描写梁山一百单八将，以宋江为首的故事，讲述来自一百零八个不同的背景的绿林好汉，从被逼上梁山，逐渐壮大，起义造反，到最后接受招安的过程。

宋朝。

序 - 水浒英雄谱

篇章1 - 山寨/水寨

从济南往西南去，我们首先到达东平。大约再过45分钟的水路，就会踏上水浒山寨水寨。当天气侯还不错，阵阵凉风，温度介于摄氏15-20度。因此就算需要爬上大约半小时的阶梯才能登上山寨大殿，上了年纪的家人和同游伙伴都不至于半途举旗。

横跨东平湖能发现的就是滋长在湖水下的水草。船只隔十几分钟就必须停下十几秒钟除去堵塞在刀叶片里的水草。舅舅在新山以水草鱼草为开业之本，岂料在东平却是处处可寻，几乎到了没有价值的情况。

那天我就在想，山东水鸭会不会有像山东人脸上独特的两块红腮呢？很可惜没能接近到啊。

这是瞭望台吧。

登上大殿后，我们大伙来了一小段结拜仪式，喝烈酒和唱水浒歌。

这烈酒是当真的烈啊！一小酌后就沿道火烧四壁，直到和胃酸相抵气尽。

。。大河向东流啊天上的星星参北斗哇（嘿嘿嘿嘿参北斗哇）。。

那首水浒歌就是这样唱的。哈哈。

老豆酷得很！背着女人包，风姿尽显啦！

篇章2 - 水浒古城

回到东平后，我们又到水浒影城。没错的话，这主要应该是为电视剧而兴建的，也为旅游制造景点的。不太记得了，导游在解说时，我大多时候都在后头尾随，慢步伐观看。

折腾了一夜转机和一日水浒游，我们傍晚回到酒店里。晚餐是水浒宴。一桌十几道菜肴，吃得差不多梗死之前，我们才发现食物真的能如此浪费。饭后肚子撑得很难受，心也不禁内疚起来。

这是一天，我有点明白为什么我们南方人会被一些中国人认为是很富有的。因为他们都看到我们在享受着那种奢侈。

那一天，我掠过天边

2011-05-21T20:39:00.011+08:00

起飞。

18mm, f/8.0, 1/500s, ISO 100

登入班机后，我不挥手再见。

仿佛我并没离开，而是世界带着我转动。

我开始思索起飞的目的，

直到旅行的意义泛起的涟漪终于平息。

地球上的你们，此刻是否看着我飞翔？

我看似很远，但我不曾离开。

纳闷之际，恍然惊觉。

我刚刚穿过一些地方。

一些，很靠近天堂的地方。

RAW Cafe - Real And Wholesome

2011-05-20T00:40:00.002+08:00

Cappuccino.

As usual, when no urge to try espresso.

The taste was so familiar until I asked the barista what beans they were using on that day.

It was Mandheling!! No wonder~ My favourite single origin syphon coffee~

Day 7 beans. He told us. He said Day 6 is the best for him though.

Worth a try!!

My brunch.

Dip Platter.

So sorry you were just a substitute because I was actually planning to go to Departure Lounge for their breakfast but they are not open.

Anyway, this is nice too~ The special sauces~ Hmm~

Something something sandwich. Forgot jor.

The Barista and his baby~

Da'dang~~~~ He is Shafee (Syafee or shafiq) !!!

Charming?? Well, mixture of 4 lineage of different races.

What to do?

R.A.W.

Wholly vegetarian, and good coffee.

Singapore : Summer gathering

2011-05-18T16:28:00.006+08:00

We share the same sky, don't worry pal!!

>>Marina Bay

>> Suntec Sity - Fountain of Wealth

>> Sentosa

>> Clarke Quay

>> Chinatown

Angle does matter.

(Not my stand)

Place I stay.

>> Random

I just watched Thor yesterday.

LangLang and Beethoven

2011-05-17T01:57:00.003+08:00

OMG~ Now I have his collection!!

Yellow river!! Which impressed me 3 years ago, until now!! Great!!!!

Got this from China, very reasonable price!!! You will never believe it!! =D

AhhaAHhhAhhaha~~

x x x

This is another accidental harvest. So so so excited when I saw this!!!! The price is so low that I went on to ask the cashier where is the real price tag. xD

Amazing pieces!!

A Super Hero and Terrorist

2011-05-16T11:42:00.010+08:00

The reason why I read about him besides his wife Najwa bin Laden and fourth son Omar bin Laden being the authors, is the book is cheap. Initially the price and later himself.

I was expectedly shocked when his wife described how tender, gentleman, responsible was he. Part of this it drove me to read through this painful story on a dangerous freak, across 3 airports.

Gradually, it was getting me so sick that why on earth there's human who can be so destructive, and deluded. He got me confused that his purpose of marrying more wives is to producing* more and more offspring for the religion. I wonder, if he is so decisive to submit himself upon his strong belief, he could've been married without getting greenlight from his first wife, where he again and again told her that he wouldn't do so if she disagrees another woman sharing husband with her. In addition, if he is so keen to have more children (thus supposedly a fatherly and responsible father), he wouldn't have let his children suffered from multiple dying asthmatic attack and prohibited the use of Ventolin and other kind of modern medicine. I don't understand the obsession here. What is more, if he is so obsessed not to benefit from modern medicine, why the hell he gave Ventolin eventually when he noticed the children is really dying everytime? I mean if he was so convinced not to give any, why wait them to dying then only give? There must be some pieces of obsession in him. Or delusion and serious threatening internal conflicts!! Another contradicting example, all the food are not allowed to store in fridge (which he already bought to home in kitchen!) and never open air-conditioner (which he already installed at home!). Reason being - Islamic creed has been modernized and destroyed. Just that he had no need to install the modern devices and he could just uninstall them if those things are really forbidden to him. One reason I can think of is, he wanted to train himself and everyone under the roof from abstinence. Mind here, I'm not criticizing religion and it's totally no wrong for me to have own belief. The point is, if he hates so much all the modern stuff and insisted human should follow how ancestors live in the past without having these things, first thing he shouldn't do was all the above, and continuously changing new car, Mercedes.

Omar bin Laden said that his father hates his enemy more than he loves his children. he deeply realised this when his father finally recruit them into ‘Jihad'. So, he finally left. The father gathered all his sons and said "Listen..my sons, there's a paper on the wall in the mosque, and that paper is prepared for outstanding Muslims, the names written there are those who volunteered for suicide bombings." -Tranlation- he tried to convince his sons to be suicide bombers, none of them but one younger brother of Omar's who was too young to understand live or die (according to Omar) stood up and ran to the mosque. Omar was so disheartened that he finally knew there's no the so-called paternal love, it was only limited to their skin if there is.

So, finally he left.

So, it proved that I'm wrong. He is not at all a fatherly father which I thought that was partly the reason he wanted to have more children when he wanted to marry more. He is trying to produce his own weapon!! A physical weapon!!!

If he is so true, his sons wouldn't not have left him. Note that his sons are instilled with his belief with so many we-think-ridiculous-but-he-thinks-holy actions being forcibly implanted into their brain since small. But, most of them left. Leaving because his thought is so untrue, scary, horrendous, schizophrenic and saddening.

Timeline of al-Qaeda attacks

Following his death recently, two extremes seen. People embrace harmony after it was denuded by a terrorist so long; while some people mourn grief for the death of a hero. Looking at the list of al-Qaeda attacks, I simply think that Obama did the right choice. Do not take into so much consideration, all the attacks this terrorist launched and all the lives he withdrew, deserve him a death. At least, his death reduces the risk of getting another 911 disaster. To actually say that, his death would merely be just a bow to innocence.

Even his sons who inherited his holy genes and stream his holy blood, having the same belief and religion, could NOT accept him. Obviously, he was already not a hero in them, and not qualified as a representative by means of any religion.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*producing- the term is proper because he had produced 20 children.

p/s: All the examples are from the book, and I've only finished quarter of it. Taking a rest now because it was quite painful to digest and indulge in it. + Correct me if I'm wrong.

For your information, if you don't know who I'm talking about, he is Osama bin Laden.

米昔拉村：十年

2011-04-28T15:52:00.006+08:00

第二十四个夏季，

我们在炎热中释放当年的青涩。

《大日子》拍摄地点之一

好一朵蛋大包天的山羊。

如果当时播出《我们的爱》，我应该会往海岸狂跑奔泪吧。

没什么，只是剧情所需。 =D

一个狂热的午后，

十份不知天高地厚的热血。

我们回顾十年前的影子，又看看十年后的今日。

原来，穿梭这些年的岁月，其实并不可怕。

豆原：咖啡的生命

2011-04-28T03:02:00.006+08:00

“来来来！！新鲜手炒豆！！”

“手炒寮国阿拉比卡！！”

“先到先得！！只剩下09，10年份的了！！”

“新鲜手炒豆！”

“新鲜手炒豆！！”

每次看到这拍板架在豆原门外，脑海就会浮起这一种画面。

我说文心，找天就来个这样的把戏吧！哈哈！

前几天和友人到豆原里，才发现员工们都有了新的制服。友人打趣地说制服太性感诱人了，竟是半透明的！员工们直瞪双眼无奈应对，我们都笑了。

一进门文心就疯狂介绍那新豆子。还好她说09年的不会过酸，要不然我应该照旧曼特宁了吧。

-寮国阿拉比卡-

豆子有特别的香味。带点巧克力的味道。

我在想，如果这是kenya我应该会有点压力吧。

Kenya对我就是有一点过重了。

- 绿茶咖啡 -

有疑问？

又绿茶又咖啡？

哈。。我也不知道。等些日子再去试试吧。

非常棒的绿茶的说~

是这样的。

一杯咖啡的生命，在你品尝之后才真正开始，或结束。

Getting Started In This Stuff

2011-04-19T14:48:00.017+08:00

## Chapter One ##

<< How do photographers look in photograph >>

To be humble as a first timer, I call myself Phototaker instead of photographer who sounds rather professional.

Yep, I'm the one up there. =D

This fella is undoubtedly photogenic. Out of so many photos of his taken, most have their own distinct feeling.

He is Skyz - monitor of the batch.

This fella is a professional photographer, which in fact the term is just superficial for description, because he is on his way to becoming cinematographer and the ultimate director.

We call him - Jayz

Recently getting involved in the world of photography. Very enthusiatic and motivated in the learning process. Ain't she look cool here? =D

Yoyo. Definitely a chinese name.

----------------------Supposedly signifying next page----------------------

## Chapter Two ##

<< A day out to Tanjung Sepat >>

No, this is not our car. It's just in front of our car.

Size has no sense here, because its value has neglected ours.

An example of - Size doesn't matter

Canon EF 70-200mm f/4.0 L lens

When two toys bang.

*Subtheme*

--Life has 5D view, besides 3D and 4D--

When you are viewing something or someone, you are being viewed at the same time as well.

And there's always third party beyond the range which you have overlooked.

Not surprisingly, more often than not, everything is just under another cover.

This is universe.

And I call it life.

--------------------Supposedly signifying next page---------------------

## Chapter Three ##

<< What are they thinking at that moment? >>

Is he looking at the cameraman?

or me behind?

or he is just enjoying his stick of cigarette?

What about her?

Is she screaming? mourning? crying?

I don't even know its sex though.

------------------Supposedly signifying next page---------------------

## Chapter Four ##

<< It freezes, or you capture >>

It is drifting fast, but we forgot that we are actually moving. Earth is moving, we are as well shifting.

This is sarcasm, and it works anywhere, even in a picture.

Everyone is trying to achieve balance, just like how we are trying to widen the soft focus.

Which is yours?

---------------------Supposedly signifying next page----------------------

## Chapter Five ##

<< Scenery >>

Tanjung Sepat

Same spots in three outcomes. Trying to switch the mode to switch your mood. =D

Sepang Gold Coast

Seaside

Hill

------------------Supposedly signifying next page--------------------

## Chapter Six ##

<< Picture says >>

-----------------Supposedly signifying next page-----------------

Experience :

Taking photo is one thing, Capturing life is another.

Departure Lounge : Days before I depart from here...

2011-04-16T00:58:00.010+08:00

I must thank my GPS a lot because ever since its companion, I can go anywhere without having the worry to get lost. So no matter how stupid HTC created this Diamond2 with dumb windows mobile OS, the incorporation of Garmin has compensated its value.

Never been to Uptown before until I knew there's one recommendation about a cafe there. I went there the other day but it was close. So we had our tea time at coffee ritual instead on the way back to Cheras. Okay Coffee Ritual will be another post then.

So En. Chew went along with me last week after I told her about this cafe when she suggested me a camera shop at Uptown. It is close at 7pm and we reached at 6+pm. So that was kinda rush for having drinks and chitchatting at that kinda place which should supposedly take us 1-2 hours.

Anyway, let's see what we get.

View from outside of Departure Lounge

Inside.

A comfy place. A book rack and sofa at one corner, which can have your Saturday evening well spent I guess? =)

The beans. Not really sure what's the name. I was in a hurry and I forgot to ask about that. ><

It's written, light, citrus acidity; smooth, medium body; fruity sweetness.

Very often it sounds fancier than what it actually is. Haha. Because I'm not very good in differentiating them, when they don't have significant outstanding features on their own.

Wow~ I guess this award must have attracted a lot of customers. At least I'm one of them.

Cappuccino - The best of 2010

So how it tasted like? Don't expect a good review here. =D

Alright, it's good. When I say good, it's at least better than 50% coffee out there. Or perhaps you can just say I had had too much bad coffee. =D

First sip I said, "Wow, good impression."

Due to that award, I was actually looking for more. So, I tried to be very professionally judging that cup of cappuccino. Haha and apparently this sentence revealed my unprofessional taste buds? =p

Continued to second, third..until it finished, I tasted one thing that's not so much I like. That acidity. It's a bit more too much for me. I know some people love that, and it's likely because of the particular beans with citrus acidity which specially made its distinction. I prefer a little bit not too much sour though. =)

One second I miss Single Origin Syphon-brewed Costa Rica when I had that. =D

It was definitely not an appropriate day to enjoy the cafe because I was actually not in the mood and was a bit in a rush. So I promised I will pay a visit again, again for the coffee and their breakfast. Special breakfast which seems like.

;)

Artisan Roast Cafe

2011-04-12T00:33:00.009+08:00

Okay, this should be done few weeks ago but I just forgot since I got my MD. HAhahaha..

Alright, here we go.

I had been craving for a good cup of coffee for quite sometime. Final professional exam preparation had just got most of my time for the past few months to search for something good in the town. So, right after my exam, I copied the address and with the help of my GPS, then I came to this place!! Well, I got lost at Jalan Ampang there because it's not located at the roadside as I thought. Anyway, I finally found it in 15 minutes.

If not I had seen how the cafe is, I wouldn't have entered that Yayasan Seni Berdaftar. I mean who the hell will go to that place if not already know there is a cafe inside, somemore with that "Yayasan Seni Berdaftar" plaque at the entrance. And even so, I did wonder if it was the right place because from far it just looked like a pondok with few Yayasan seni's workers there chatting.

Until I walked close enough to see a big menu. So this is what it looks like.

The only hut/cottage there for customers. Enough for 2-3 tables I think. Others are outdoor ones.

Like this.

Very nice ambience and environment. That was the first time I had my coffee outdoor like this. Of course not like what I buy a cup of coffee at Starbugs and have it outdoor la. =D

This is the menu which initially convinced me this is the cafe!

Special menu, with that granny style of radio. Cool isn't it? =D

The beans

Flat white

Latte

I was not really sure what to drink that day. So just simply ordered latte. You know what, I was so stunned upon the first sip. So much so that I almost shouted. To be honest I'm not a professional coffee drinker who can assimilate every single components of coffee from its appearance to its aftertaste and then explain them in different compartments. I only know that I'm a real coffee lover who can travel around the town to just get one good cup of coffee. =D I'm just looking for what is suitable for me.

So, this cup of latte has totally got me melted. Totally!!! I couldn't help but finish it in short time!

One of the best Latte I've ever tried. And until know I still miss it!

Macchiato

To satisfy the 'lust', I ordered another cup of Macchiato. Alang showed us how he ground the beans, and his special naked portafilter, and how he pulled a shot. I used to say Bartender is cool but somehow it happens to me now Barista is cool-er if the same word is to be used. hahaha..=D

Ded'deng!! My macchiato~ Not really an expert in appreciating it but it was great to me. Moderate sweetness and acidity with good aftertaste which is appropriate to me.

This is the man!!!

The cool man - Alang. We chatted for a while and got to know that he is a musician!! =D

I'm so pleasantly surprised with this visit. Even before I went off, I was already thinking my next visit. =D

SHM and some others

2011-04-09T02:52:00.022+08:00

I'm already bored with the posts all only words. So I decided to put some pictures. Sad thing is those pictures I can find are mostly long time ago. Too few for the recent years one. In the end I also don't know how should I show the pictures. Majority would be portrait-based story. I'm sure you will never find these elsewhere not even in SugarHoneyMedicine blog. =D

Like these;

-----------------------------

>>> Tham Yi Chuan aka yichuan, yc, tham, thambi, lamfung.

>>> Theme : The Lame

One of his lamie

Unforgettable DIY birthday cake

and etc

Another one.

--------------------------

>>> Loh Wai Loong aka WaiLoong, loongy, ygnool, loongie, loong, loh, lohloong, loong er, gay, psycho

>>> Theme : The Eyes (GoldenFish's)

Hi, I'm loongie.

"This is not Tudung."

"I don't like kids."

"A bit of me."

---------------------------------------------------

>>> Nelson Soong Sie Chung aka Nelson, nelly, nellipot, 鸟神.

>>> Theme : The Calorie Boy

Coffee, Tea or me for Joee

I love eating.

I don't love eating anymore.

-------------------------------------------------

>>> Chow Soon Ken aka ken, nek, soonken, nekgugu

>>> Theme : The Napet

He is not.

...

Typical gesture of his.

-------------------------------------------------

>>> Ng Chun Fai aka Chunfai, fai, feilou.

>>> Theme : The LDL

"You are either seeing me sleeping..."

"...or eating."

"and still eating."

---------------------------------------------------------

>>> Ng Kim Teck aka kimteck, teck, kt, nkte, teckie

>>> Theme : The Electrolarynx

"ooi~ "

"woo~"

----------------------------------------------------------

>>> Khor Shao Nan aka Shaonan, khorshao, shao, nan-nan

>>> Theme : The Confidence

His best friend.

And another good friend in first year.

---------------------------------------------------

>>> Ng Chen Fei aka, steve, evets, stevie, chenfei, hui

>>> Theme : pending

hahahaha

*Still remember this? We got insomnia the day before our first ever university exam.

-------------------------------------------------

>>> Teo Shee Kiang aka sheekiang, jiang

>>> Theme : The Musculoid

not so musculoid.

Very Musculoid.

-------------------------------------------------------

>>> Hor Chin Kok aka, Alex, Horchinkok, Houjinkak

>>> Theme : The Gay

No caption needed

----------------------------------------------------

>>> >> And some random ones.

The epic mouth that I sometime feel like slapping.

OMG..Balthazzar in specs and Sugaik in Longhair!

"Well.."

We went penang together!!! We ran together!!!! We finished togethheeerrrrrrr~~~

Owh....Setapak's life.

------------------------------------------------------------

>>> Special thanks to my new Idol.

After aftershock

2011-04-07T21:16:00.003+08:00

After multiple alternating episodes of hypomania and mania, it seems that hypermania should be included in new DSM to classify the mood for my massive indulgence for the past 2 weeks, which is still counting. The 2 weeks were surprisingly passing slow that I'd have thought it is already months. Or perhaps I sleep less these days.

Had a brief looking-back on the last post. I'd really love to make another post with just all pictures speaking for the life during the past 5 years. But when I browsed back my photobook, the pictures are pathetically few that they were mostly captured in poor quality and no intention. And by looking at the proportion of the pictures, apparently first 2 years comprised more than half of it. Regretted why I didn't take more photos during clinical years. Be it a routine gesture, it would mean a lot.

I've been thinking of giving my utmost gratitude to those who accompanied me throughout the battle. Wanted to thank them personally but it is just weird and fake. So in the end I decided to write my appreciation in my blog, and they really deserve a post.

---Damn, stuck here and don't know how to make it not a PPD reflection style. Hell---

Alright, my family. they have been giving me unremitting support not only during my medical school but all the time. Seldom did I receive any objection for my opinion and what I want to do in which sometimes I thought I was right and great but after that just realised how stupid and immatured I was. It becomes a burden then whenever I wanna speak out and contribute to a decision making in the family, especially it involves some critical incidents like relationships and monetary issues. And I realised that it is not the right or wrong decision that they are worried, but whether I'm happy with the decision or not. Without my family, I wouldn't have come this far. They give me everything I need and help me from eating to shitting =D. Papa will just everyday 'force' me to drink water and fruits, and I remembered once I was so irritated to eat the fruit I hate the most everyday - Apple. And I was guilty then when I saw papa selecting them one by one in the wet market, and asking whether the Africa's or New Zealand's taste better. Mama knows I love eating home cooking and she will just cook and bring it to hostel for me sometime. A few times seeing her injured the fingers while cooking and I was just like, damn. Too much they did that I don't think I can finish until I die. My siblings, they are just funny. Sis will standby be my tukang urut and supple-maker. HAhaha. And I think if I continue writing like this, this will be some sort of family introduction post. LOLZ.

I would say the most successfully created and established group in my medical school (I mean mine, not representative of the whole batch/medical course) is SugarHoneyMedicine -SHM group. We have a blog which is supposed to be one that everyone of us the group members blog there but in the end it's left yichuan continuing its life, and become his another blog, albeit namely SHM. Hahaha. Thanks to yichuan! Then we have our own MSN chatroom, which we have already been asked to delete the history 3-4 times. Hahaha. Thanks to evets! So, for an official appreciation, I'm here to thank the SHM group, group members of 8 (or 7 I'm confused nowadays. =/), a big thanks and countless hugs (minus those that we had before). We had a tough time and we have gone through that phase. Not really sure how will we be dispersed or the group be dissolved. But I don't care what will happen next. And we just had our first and the most memorable graduation trip, in Bangkok. Why I say next? Because the second, third or maybe forth is coming up!! YEAH...

Speaking about group support, there is one came up unexpectedly in the last chapter of medical school- TwitterSupportGroup. Everyone seemed giving demoralising and frustrating shoutout, but luckily we all passed and nobody's left offshore. And I almost turned into another legendary 哥. Sadly the group already seems to be dissolving. Will you be still supporting, Mr TSG?

One more minor group that I had in medical school, Study group!!! YEAH~~ So happy that our group scared people from the start. Hahaha. Big thanks to the group also, the discussion helped me a lot, ya I meant the academic one and non-academic ones like muscle girl and "Nah..don't know the answer ler~~ go back and find~" those kind of stupid thing.

Quote from Jeff's Dict.

"We are here to complete each other, not to compete with each other."

Not forgetting all the professors and doctors. I'm so thankful that I've met so many superiors that changed my perception towards life. Not for me to disagree that sometimes a single word or sentence can change one's whole life. Specifically to send my utmost gratitude to Associate Professor Ruzanna bt Zamzam, who has not only taught me knowledge, but also principles of life. She is now facing the most difficult challenge in her life, and I really wish things go optimistically. I'm so proud of being your student, prof! You must get well soon!!

I'm so blessed to have so many good friends around. Those who always concern about me, from the town or another city and country, I'm so grateful to have you as my friends. Your regards might have fueled my life, and to be honest it did happen. Thank you. =)

There are so many people that I couldn't think of at this moment, just like those celebrity couldn't think of who and what to thank when receiving the awards. But nevermind, I still love you. =D

------------

Life is simple, but sometimes we forget to live life in simple way.

Don't say the world sucks, because if it doesn't, we will all fall off.

------------

So, what's next ? =)

5-years flashback

2011-04-01T01:22:00.014+08:00

Have been quite passive for the past few months until now, everything seems settled down and reached its resting point. Really don't know what to say at the moment, I felt the brain is just having its refractory period.

I passed!

Seriously Don't really sure what I've been doing for the past few months besides the overwhelming stress and readings. The environment, people, and even any object around were so stressful looking to me. All for nothing but just a few hours tests, and a title all of us have been dreaming for, day and night; MD (UKM).

5 years, or 6 years if matriculation was the foundation, we strived and went through all sorts of obstacles. We grew up, from teen-age to now that we call adult. I still remember the day when I stepped in UKM main campus at Bangi. Dad wasn't with me, mom and cousins accompanied me for the registration. It was really a big day, a real big day for most of us, if not all, holding the Surat Tawaran Doktor Perubatan heading to UKM; or like what nowadays Kimteck likes to say "chiong".

I was amazed: "This is Varsity."

It's always an excitement for me to go to a new place making friends and adapt a new environment. I once grumbled why medical faculty is placed in ChowKit with only a few blocks of buildings. It had virtually lost the so called university life. Whenever people saying how wonderful and fun their college's activities are, or activities involving the whole campus, or the genuine university life, I couldn't help but just imagine that while staring at the KLCC from my window. How sad and special our university life that we normally spent our leisure time at KLCC or bukit bintang. That goddamn monorail and LRT were just within walking distance from our campus and so it automatically became one of our reasons to skip classes. Those days were crazy though and we can only now say Those Were The Days..

Things happened in funny ways. Like how that stupid loongy peeped through my door slit and I stared at him and closed the door forcefully; like that sickcat Nek sitting on floor absence-seizuring when Baobao introduced him; like AhFai went to the stage mistakenly to take the letter when NgChenFei was called instead of NgChunFai; like DarkChocolate yc full of semangat queuing in front of me at KTSN DSG for hostel registration while I was squatting kap-ing chicks; like Nellipot came down to find yc out to KLCC and I mumbled Damn Hell Medical School Is Really All Bunch Of Skema Studoyd Looking people; like Shinigami facing the full-of-fungus wall chanting don't-know-what-the-hell. (vague memory about him lol)

1st and 2nd years were just paradise for us and I don't even know how to recall that. Hostel life in KTSN was one of the best moments in my life definitely. We had illegal gathering, gambling, true or dare like nelson scrubbed in then knocked joee's door and asked Coffee Tea or Me. HAHA!! The time in Setapak was awesome and until now we were still talking about life in Setapak when life's trying to take us down at some points. Of those that filled our time besides studies were DotA, stephen chow's movie, food (tianxia's zapfan, hakka mee, nek's favourite louxufan @@", taufufa, rojak, hakjiugaifan, weiyi's small fry), traffic jam. And some loves and hates of course.

And I got shock. So they resuscitated me with IV Normal Saline Bolus 20ml/kg over 30 minutes with double maintenence.

Oh Sorry.

Then I'm shocked, once stepped in clinical years, time is not only flying, but also swimming. The transition point in 3rd year was kinda a challenge especially O&G being my first posting with Prof Emeritus Dr Adeeb my supervisor. Couldn't forget I lost 5 kg in 1+ month. I won't ask for that kinda of life again, as if I can choose...=/ The best time in third year no doubt was when we the-gang gathered at cafe for lunch and gossip almost everyday. It was a huge gang. Somehow the routine did not last and I guess perhaps the cafe was down for renovation. For 2 years until NOW!!! JKM ended my 3rd year. Hell man it was another paradise at Tanjung Karang, plus Xmas, New Year and Chinese New Year were all combo-ed in that posting. Holiday continued after that and Psychiatry posting ensued. In short, I forgot how I lived for that half year. hahaha.

4th year was a busy one, Triad and Paediatrics were just disgusting when they are next to another. Again, I forgot how I dragged my body and soul through that few months until I entered Orthopaedics, which I called it a pseudo-holiday. Damn disappointing being in the same group with loongy. Breakfast at cafe everyday, plant&zombie in spinal ward and high tea at cafe again. What a big combo. I can't imagine if we are really posted to same hospital and same posting then we will definitely gg. God! No!!!!! lolzzzz..

4th year was the year which passed really fast to the extend that I practically don't retain any memorable events, or there is actually none. How pathetic I said when I officially entered final year, the time was already not flying anymore but skipping. It's REAL REAL fast man. Teluk Intan and Slim River posting were what I was waiting for in every postings. They were like rest stations and I can really sit down, rest and really study, without the nightmare of covering beds, endless bedssss. And thank God there's this thing called Family medicine posting, a big rest station, which before that I made myself a schedule for revision but ending up in GaoGuLiong's drama and food/coffee explorace. Then Internal medicine. Tensed up throughout the posting for professional exam and endlesss (crazier than OnG for me) beds covering EVERYDAY till the last day of medical student life.

Not forgetting the unwelcome flooding which eroded my hometown and put double stress on me.

Every seconds became so precious then when study weeks started counting. That was the hardest, most torturing exam preparation in my lifetime. 24 years, the most important exam, has winded up last week, pronounced my independence yesterday, and declared my significance today. It seems only hours different but it's not the same anymore. I'm born, cord-clamped, and left for feeding my ownself. I look at myself, there are so many scars all over. I fell down then I stood up high, for many times it bled and stopped and bled again. I laughed and I cried, I love and I hate. I was moulded and seasoned. It all made what I am today. I'm glad that I'm brought to this stage, after so many ups and downs.

Looking back again, I couldn't find another me who I always think I would have been if there is if, but only one that I've plowed for 24 years.

And it is a great effort.

Steviboard Chart

2011-03-15T22:46:00.001+08:00

Top 10 of the week

1. For Good

2. For Good

3. For Good

4. For Good

5. For Good

6. Don't you remember

7. One and only

8. Someone like you

9. Defying gravity

10. Rolling in the deep

Numb

2011-03-05T12:55:00.002+08:00

Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong for

a simple life.

I'm afterall not very sophisticated.

7 for today

2011-02-16T01:34:00.003+08:00

Getting to be an obsessive person, that these are the to-do-list :

1. Pass the exam next month.

2. Get some musical instrument/gadgets.

3. Sharpen my skills and work on my composition.

4. Attend some instrumental/arrangement lessons.

5. Get 1 suitable camera.

6. Travelling.

7. To really find my own WELL. =)

Arghh..

2011-02-13T01:38:00.002+08:00

I'm so sick of these.

It's not interesting at all.

More of paying debts than anything.

WTFan

A short note after chinese new year celebration and before going back to study

2011-02-07T00:23:00.008+08:00

Not that actually I wanna blog but this is when I'm bored closing and re-opening facebook twitter and blogs then I've still no idea what's good for me to do at the moment so in the end that's why I'm hanging around here.

This Chinese New Year is just too short for me although it still ends on Chap Goh Meh with literally 15 days plus 1 day CNY eve and somehow there's something there causing me from enjoying to the max as if forgetting who am I and no dreams at night like the previous Chinese New Year.

The most serious ever flooding at my hometown has thoroughly caught us surrendered and it almost penetrates the core of my hometown when lower area like my housing area got almost submerged and higher altitude area suffered from water supply interruption continuously few days across Lunar year which seemed nothing serious but actually troubled people for TuanYuanFan.

What had people done to deserve this again and again and why did God punish or challenge us with this kind of trial especially on the day of by-election to additionally impede people to vote because it'd be much much better if the flood comes before or after so if there is God I'd really wanna ask a lot of questions not because I ain't thankful but I'm just unclear of so many things.

This is supposed to be a short note to pass my time because my biological clock has already been deranged with normally 4am to bed and 12pm to shit for the past one awesome week which practically peaked my mood to orgasmic state but dragged to nadir like now.

I try to make it real short so you can see that there is only 6 full stops but then actually I feel that there's a bag of words stuck in my throat and I'm trying very hard to type it out to say it out to scream it out because I'm afraid it would choke me or cause blockage within my digestive tract then I will die therefore for that reason I subconsiously write this piece like pushing shit hard out from the shit canal.

Resolution (This is seriously serious)

2011-01-31T20:54:00.004+08:00

1. To find way back to Labis

2. To find accommodation for temporary roof

3. To clean up my house

4. To get some basic furnitures, mattress, and foods

5. To get ingredients for chinese new year eve's lunch

6. To meet up my cousins +1

7. To meet up friends in gatherings

8. To see what has Labis changed for the past 9 months since I left

9. To play firecrackers

10. To ignore case write up, report, forensics, and all other academic stuff

Memo of a kiss

2011-01-23T11:00:00.003+08:00

Another week that I will travel to Teluk Intan for internal medicine posting.

No internet there and so I first wish ya'll a very prosperous Chinese New Year!!!! I'm indeed very looking forward to the festival. This in the only festival which excites me in one whole year!!

To all my colleagues, all the best to the upcoming professional exam and we are ON THE WAY to Bangi!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

remember my kiss always. (malatlou please back off)

muakz~

决议

2011-01-20T20:48:00.006+08:00

新一年必须达到的目标：

1。每天平均利用5小时来复习课业。

2。除非紧急事故，务必限制一天少过一小时网游。

3。定时三餐，早餐必要，宵夜戒掉。

4。一星期120分钟运动。

5。农历新年不买新衣。

6。尽快把以上的都忘掉。

我在这个一月又看了一些

2011-01-16T23:52:00.009+08:00

小时候常望着挂在墙上的传统日历，一天过去后，就会很开心地撕下昨日那一页。最满足的，除了那股用力一撕的宣泄，还有那些手折一艘艘纸船的成就感。还记得一天我学会折了有遮掩的船，骄傲的扬着到妈面前炫耀，而妈那时就在厨房里做着我最爱吃的午餐。浮现在脑海的画面，看似清晰，但却遥远。

那些日子，是那么的单纯和知足。

日前在商场里闲逛，发现周围都架起了新年的摆设。店家也纷纷播放着贺年歌。被这一整个汹涌的气氛熏了一下，我才真的感觉农历新年到了。B不久前跟我说最近都听到很多烦人的贺年歌。当时我倒是很怀念以往的旧式贺年歌。小时候，最喜欢和表姐弟们一起听着贺年歌，玩荷兰牌。长大后，表姐还是依然会在我们的过年聚会里播一些贺年歌。只是大多时候我们都在聊过去，谈未来。一想到一起长大的日子，心就会笑一下。

国中毕业后就到离乡300公里外的城市念书。屈指数数，今年已经第七个年头了。想起当年离乡背井的滋味着实不好受。哥哥十三岁就在外地念书，也受了不少打击而成长吧？渐渐的，妹妹们都到吉隆坡了，爸妈也就索性长时间呆在这城市里。我想，老年了才到这么一个陌生的城市中学习生活，一定也是鼓起了很大的勇气吧？

一直觉得，我真得很幸运。

前些日子看了一部本地影片“天天好天”，撇开剧情构造和拍摄手法，有好多情景都让我颇为感慨，也让我了解了一些事情和意义。有时候，在生活的旅途中往往会忘记一些简单的道理。而其实，追求了那么多，值得的又有多少？

偶尔想想一开始的初衷，和那梦想的目标，差异却是如此的大。到最后才发现那都只是在时间上的挥霍。幻想，明显只是幻觉时的联想；而梦想，也许真的在梦里才能够渴望。生活有时候很讽刺，尤其在你有要求的时候。等到飘扬出海了一段时间，才真真切切了解到要的只是靠岸。而很多时候舵盘已不受控制，就算最终靠了岸，却已是对岸。

在这第二十四个一月，每一个脚步都显得沉重，可能是成长的重量。也许就得像蝴蝶用尽了多少力量，才终能破蛹而出。

---------------------

我往后一看，惊觉已经9个月没回家乡了。

我想家了。你呢？

你又多久没回家了？

ED encounters

2010-12-21T17:35:00.007+08:00

It began on last Friday during my night shift at Emergency Department (ED). There was one uncle whom I still remember very well his face; Uncle Lim. He came in for shortness of breath and cough with past history of smear positive pulmonary TB, right lung lobectomy etc. It was a very dull night and I spent most of my time with him besides following Prof Shahrir's round.

I set up the monitoring, and spent some time talking to him.

He was cold and I took a shirt for him.

He had chesty cough and chest discomfort and I helped him apply some oilment on his chest.I remembered it was Minyak Kapak brand.

I propped him up, I pat his back, and I hold his hand.

And I examined him as well.

He asked me for some cough syrup, and I told him he will be served soon (it's ordered).

Before I left, I reassured him.

It was around 1130pm.

And he died, at 5am.

The first thing I was told the next morning.

It was the day where I was so disturbed.

I realised sometimes reassurance is useless and of great nonsense as you never know how bad one feels, although it might be the only thing you manage to do.

It feels bad.

Really.

-----------------------

It goes to my shift today where there was one patient with upper gastrointestinal bleeding (UGIB) being critically resuscitated in red zone. As usual, we all students crowded there with some being genuine observers and some rotating for CPR. Before I went up for CPR, she regained pulse. Honestly I'm sure there will be someone thinking that unlucky to have no chance for that. But at that moment I was really kinda relieved for she was successfully resuscitated. Then I left for the post-resus care. 20 minutes I returned, she again collapsed. I went up again for CPR.

While my colleague switched in the role, I noticed someone standing outside.

The 60-70 year-old pakcik, the patient's husband, standing just outside the curtain. I looked at him from far for a few minutes. I just couldn't take my eyes off him.

Until the team gave up and approached him to break the news.

The scene.

It feels uncomfortable.

Seriously.

----------------

So many times did I face death, yet so frequently I still have to really face it with courage, whether or not it's transient or delayed or prolonged effect.

But we are human being.

To be or not to be trained numb, we are still human being.

----------------

The feeling is fucked-up.

As usual, I don't know how to express it verbally.

But fortunately, I manage to control it, somehow.

黑夜过后是黎明

2010-12-14T23:16:00.006+08:00

［摘］

小心翼翼的把门扇推开，双脚跨出去的那一个动作，

却无意地把大地惊醒。

寒风徐徐，那份刺骨的感觉，好像心又被切了一下。

这是伤疤。是成长。

那一夜的主题显然是消极的。天空不仅暗淡寂寞，更被都市的光害毫不留情地淹没。后方树林持续传来一阵阵不明生物的唏嘘声，东北那一隅又相继递来狼狗的哀号。

我在冷风的侵袭下，尝试把身体缩得更小一些，也把仅有的那一份理智，守得更小心一些。

在理性很薄弱的时刻，如果乱了方寸，向自己寒暄一下，就能挨过去的。

那一夜，除了秒针打到鱼肚白开始凸露的那一刻，和我循环性却不规律地换了三种坐姿，我已记不起闪过脑海的一千两百个画面。

我开始发现一份信念的存在，并不在于时间长久而赋予其之坚毅。

如果曾经坚守过，如今必定依然。

不同的是它已被成长洗礼。

世上最快速的东西，并不是肉眼能看到的。

而是在寻找自己的旅途中，却渐渐忘了当初的认知。

［摘］

附：Time forgets

Long for

2010-11-28T22:42:00.001+08:00

an ordinary life.

Supposed to be a Summary

2010-11-20T01:15:00.001+08:00

Hey yo. I'm back guys!! *cheers*

Few months dah left here, thinking that if I tak balik tulis siket benda nanti sure blog ni bankrup just like last time macam tu. It's a problem sometime macam a lot of things to write but dah nak start start tu straight away lazy. Think that writing is really not a hobby or a pleasure for me la k0t. Anyway, it's always a place for me to meludah. So by hook or by crook kene maintain sket.

Since the last post then i got myself very lazy to translate stuff from the mind. Maybe partly because Paediatric and OnG posting la kot. Damn hardCore punye postings next to another. It almost drives me insane.

Oh ya let's talk about the postings la.

Well Paediatrics has been the most scary and traumatic posting for me. Dah la 4th year gotta wake up damn 7 early to catch bus to HKL, buat short case pOn stupid giler macam Babiy. 4th year aside, 5th year thought to have a nice/better one. Who knows 1 day even before starting the posting i got an accident between Bidor and Teluk Intan. Damn swuey man the motor hit my car and seeing the 2 young boys being thrown onto the road. Stupid Soh7 indian car without roadtax in front did a sudden break for an illegal u-turn. Couldn't really remember what I quarrelled with them except I scolded the Indian uncle. In the end with my kindhearted (*Shy*) soul i agreed upon the under-table punye method of ganti rugi, with only RM 200 je. Pergh....But Ok la tu, the 1st 2 weeks in Hospital Teluk Intan was the nicest moment for me in Paediatric posting. Dr Kogi and Dr Karen treated us quite good. Very nice indeed. Bagi teaching and acknowledged us most of the time. Considered not bad for me already. Patients there super-nice; not like those in HUKM punye majority studenphobic. Honestly understandable la, who wants their children to be examined so many times with so unprofessional skills right. I think I will raise my voice up as well when 20 students asking me "ada susu badan tak? berape kerap? etc" so really have to pandai-pandai see if the patient tolerated then only go. The remaining 5 weeks in HUKM was the worst period i suffered. Gotta stay in the ward from 8am-5pm (excluded oncall) for nothing (no ward work to do, patient tak allow clerk or examine, or dah covered) as my boss will call to the ward anytime. The thing is students a lot (30+) all crowded in ONE ward. I came at 8+ most of the time all new cases dah entah berape kali kena clerk, and the parents pon tengok I dengan muka yang tak sedap tu. In short, Life is quite torturing in Paeds la. shocking-ly it was worse than OnG for me. Oh ya, ended with my mini-Cex of Epileptic syndrome.....Taa'danng~~~~ *speechless*

Then OnG~

1st 2 weeks of OnG memang tired macam nak berak sepuloh kali dalam sehari. A lot of workshop, classes, OT, clinic and COVER BED. 1st week dah kena Queen-bee (YM, 2010) scolded like a dog. But she is good la memang will teach student but with her very peculiar personality je. 2 weeks in Hospital Slim River was a nice 1. It wasn't as bad as others describing about it, for me. Lepas tu, came back to HUKM tibe-tibe dapat tau i was changed to Orange ward...Goshhhh, tat's the time when i needed to cover bed EVERYDAY....T_T

My birthday falls on Oncall day meant I was destined to SAVE people on the day!!!!!!! =p The night was eventful that 1 suspected Patau baby delivered via EMLSCS and I conducted 1 normal kat Labour room. Seriously almost forgot my birthday before that until @Bu and GuaiB had an advanced birthday dinner with cake of suprise with me. And my buddies also bought me beardPapa for my supper during my oncall~~ a shirt from my nice Juniors~ and a few duno-wat-cocktail-cup from Nek. A lot of things i got for the birthday all out of my expectation.

Then we had an end posting exam and i passed!! Luckily counseling part I went to colposcopy clinic 1 day before!!

But. One thing i have been wondering is that WHY i couldn't finish covering all the important topic one????!!! 3rd yr macam ni, final year macam ni jugak! for I think i dah quite rajin to read...just DUNNO WHY. weird.

And NOW!!!!

Family medicine. What i can say is that it's really a goddammn nice posting bacause Time is so flexible. My main concern all the time. Really don't like the packed packed schedule which makes me feel like a "ceh sin kong zai" and so detached from the outside world. Tido tak cukop study takde mase. Hate it to the max.......(as if i m already hating my future life as such. so pathetic.)

But it comes to me another problem. Family med is lebih kurang like internal medicine but more of first line and primary care. i dah rase have to read a lot, and this already discourages me to go for it, with the previous thought that no-no OnG, no-no Paeds, no-no Surgery, no-no ENT, no-no Anaes. Where else can i go?? Betoi ke PSYCHIATRY???? ............Basement ke?!Research?!!

Tak Tau la. let time decides..A predictable future yet unclear.

Final year is really fast passed. Less than 100 days i am gonna go for my professional exam. So many years of study to be judged by that few days. Really interesting.

Wanted to write all in this post academically or non-academically, but dah rase penat dah.

And I just got a bad news. Hmmmm..worried.

Okay la, put a Dot here, for now.

ciaozz~

Passivity

2010-08-08T16:29:00.004+08:00

passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity passivity

What you should do if the stressor can't be removed??

在雨后独奏吧。

2010-07-31T02:20:00.010+08:00

最近日子过得都不错。也许视野放远了，局限角度放宽了，心态自然就不同吧。常常为了一些莫名的压抑而困惑，久久不能释怀。这人生啊，有了太多的无奈；很多时候都是自个儿在演独角戏，开着自己的玩笑。

这几天的天空都放晴，整个人都舒服起来了。雨后的天空，是那么的让人心动啊。那片刻感动，我到现在都还激动着呢。快乐很简单，抬一抬头就能得到了。路是这么的模糊，那么的崎岖，但也没什么的。想着想着，也就觉得很幸福了。

这又是一个雨天。骤雨滂沱啊。。

是秋天吗？我都差点忘了。

Sedate Me

2010-07-20T00:47:00.014+08:00

The person I can't trust upon in this world is me myself perhaps. I'm an absolute bugger that you would hardly get my promise. Even if you do, then you should have forgotten it as I would normally consciously forget it eventhough it's not subconscious.

So, don't trust me. Okay~

F*** the brain I'm always cheated by myself. Couldn't wake up in this morning for the terrifying long case. I snooze snooze and snooze the alarm until time provoked my adrenaline surge. Jumped up from the bed and it's already reaching 9am. Reluctantly bathed my sexy trunk without counting my axillary hair this time (*Shy*). This is the shit part when I have to walk from midah to HUKM. The path seems super long for me whenever I'm late. But the amazing thing I discovered this morning is that I can walk with the pace of my heart rate!! 2 steps/beat and I was doing pretty well that I made it 160steps/min (equivalent to 80beats/min; p/s I was tachypnoic that time) !!!

Wahahaha!! So synchronous that it made me think of synchronous lesion in colon cancer.

Well, this did not end in good result.

Taking a history and physical examination in just 20 minutes weren't nice at all.

Getting a patient with multiple problems wasn't nice as well.

Being questioned by the examiners wasn't good ALSO!!

Especially I finally knew that the patient got a rectosigmoid cancer with uterine fibroid plus ovarian cyst, after the case note told me. @.@

It wasn't the case that appeared to be so complicated after all. So many mistakes I've done, just like so many holes in a HupSeng pingpong biscuit.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm so damn seven allergic to the word CONFUSING!!!

I hate it to the max and this is the worst 7maGan word I've heard during this 2 months.

'Back' to Teluk Intan and it's kinda relieving with no reason, mentally I guess. Don't like the unit in Laman midah as it's getting more and more sucks to me. Thinking that I'll be staying home and travel to and fro everyday in the remaining days. In that case the toughest obstacle I have to overcome is to discipline myself - waking up earlier to avoid jam and getting a car park slot in HUKM.

Hmm...final year right? Be proper la, in every sense.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day ended very bad when I received a call that my brother-in-law was gun-shot. One in the bladder and another one in the spine.

SPINE???!!!!!!!!

=_______=

Hope everything is as good as it can be.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crazy JB, it's not a place to live. It's full of crime and chaos.

JB JB, sounds very much similar to a Vulgar word.

It's sometime so appropriate, and parallel.

p/s : If I were an anaesthetist, I won't completely anaesthetize them.

2 minutes only

2010-07-15T01:55:00.012+08:00

It's not a good thing when you wake up late in the morning with an unstable complicated moody feeling. It makes you become a zoombie that can drive you to perform any activities and routines.

So you brush teeth, bathe, take some milo and biscuit to feed your insatiable brain cells and barely sustain it to the lunch time. Then u start your car engine, sometimes with some great music from Red Fm or Fly Fm or My Fm or even OneFm which is still prematured, and drive slack to the hospital eventhough you are late and the clinic has already been running and ward round is already over.

And this is the best part that a student can sometime do.

Then you reach the clinic after get lost for a while in the hospital, trying to grasp some new cases to clerk just to make sure you are actually not a useless faecolith in clinic.

-Clerking a patient doesn't mean you are to be a clerk in presenting your case-

-Don't talk like a parrot in presenting your case like just repeating everything again-

---Ms Dina, 2010.

Then, you realise that people are doing their own job and do not actually care your presence or some of them do, and patients coming in and out. You see boss screwing up the HO and MO and you are stumbled with the questions being asked. Then you are screwed up as well. But you don't really care much although most of the time you do mind.

When you go to the wards later, you find out that the patient you wanted to clerk the day before but he was sleeping that time was passed away this early morning, without anyone's consent but his, and his bed is already used by another new patient admitted late in the morning, which he doesn't know that the bed was just few hours before full of mourn and grief, and of course dead cells. Then you walk to female ward and you realise that another patient was passed away for another carcinoma. And the bed is now clean-drapped, awaiting to host another one.

The bed is lonely I guess, she doesn't have a friend.

You settle yourself in somewhere and rest after seeing a few new cases. You are taught to have a very sharp observation. But most of the time you are so numb with so many things that it doesn't seem to be significant to you. So you are getting indifferent.

Or in the end of the day, you feel that life is really fragile.

But the sentimentally reflecting thought just persisted for a very short while in your mind,

probably less than 2 minutes, because you know it's just the way the living is.

Fuck off la

2010-07-12T20:51:00.004+08:00

Final year medical student life is exactly like SHIT

Yucks to the extend that you would want to show your gugu to just any of them.

NAH, PUKIMA.

Modified Sine Graph

2010-06-28T02:08:00.004+08:00

Before I'm off to Hospital Teluk Intan for 3 weeks, this is a quick update.

For the pass few hectic weeks I have gone through, I realised that my life has really been a typical routine, for which I refer it as a Sine graph.

y=sin x

y= Mood

x= Medical life/days

I seriously think that the trend wouldn't be much of change for me in the coming 1 year.

Unless they change;

Variable y = if I change my mood or perception

Variable x = if I change my life

For now, medical life's changing me instead.

:: I'm not unhappy with the life, I just hope it can be better ::

:: I'm not as busy as others, I'm just too restricted with it ::

:: I'm not greedy as I was, I'm just a lil bit demanding ::

It's a Pause

2010-06-08T00:49:00.001+08:00

It's time to put a Stop and get back to the track

Shit

2010-05-28T23:41:00.002+08:00

我们的生活和大便真的息息相关

*乳房乳房乳房乳房乳房乳房乳房乳房乳房乳房乳房乳房*

My another Adele

2010-05-23T02:56:00.003+08:00

Revival of Adele

After a year in my lappie

After i seldom listened to her Chasing Pavement

Adele!!!!!!!!!!

:: Make You Feel My Love ::

时光机

2010-05-01T02:14:00.005+08:00

时间，给了我们希望

然后，我们复制着快乐

慢慢累计，重叠。

一直期待着，

却往往得不到期许的。

很多时候，

就好像，

拥有每一个早晨，

却错过每一段日出。

等到了人生某个休息站时，

惊觉，

原来，过去的，真的过去了。

附：时光机 - 五月天

来一杯，肯亚。

2010-04-23T01:58:00.004+08:00

其实，黑暗也是一种明亮。

那天又到了那陌生且熟悉的咖啡馆。这是在闹市中时间稍微过得缓慢的一隅。能在这令人不安的闹市中停下脚步休息，是一种幸运。静静的感受肯亚带给我一丝丝的甘甜和水果香，深怕一不留意就会遗失那一刻的美好。

人生啊……有多少个遗失的美好？

记得外面的世界下着雨，下得颇为紧张。就连路人也不敢直视任性的天气，撑着扇低头投降。车辆也缓慢了速度，打了灯，似乎了解这场雨的意思。原来，这一场雨是为了让这闹市回到一般的速度而下的。脚步似乎太快了，让人频频窒息。我在隔着一面玻璃的另一端，仿佛在世界的边际，瞰望尘世。肯亚也许让我收敛了许多，是她的脱俗感染了我这个午后。我喘了口气，这一刻，我是毫无防备的。

雨后加速了夜晚的侵临，街道因为黑暗而亮起了灯，深怕再次被突袭。就连星辰也拿了假，完全不敢向怒吼后的天空宣战。我在肯亚效应后回到咖啡馆里，在还未完全适应她带给我的惊喜之余，淡淡的笑了。就连带着柠檬味的清水，我都喝得非常任性。

夜渐渐深了，我终于鼓起勇气一探窗外的神秘。思绪也终于有了答案，我结了帐，走出门外。我想，我是对的。因为，黑暗有时也是一种明亮。

Official First Week of 5th Year

2010-04-15T23:14:00.007+08:00

1. Been on duty at physio department for about 2 weeks. Frankly speaking, tat's one of the best departments i have seen in medical school. Good environment, sufficient apparatus, kind physiotherapist, professional techniques etc. I was impressed by the speech therapists for their patience last time when i was doing my elective. And this physio is even more geng than that.

KakFadilah, kak liza, Bang Zam and Bang Fathuden are among those few medical personnels(including so many doctors that i met) i respect. They are indeed a very good rehab team in managing neuro patients. Not even me, every patients and family members that are referred here and being questionaire-ed by me are so liking them. Met my hometown people there who purposely travel 3 hours journey from labis to HUKM for physio every week. What do you think? And somehow, I really enjoy going there COMPARED to going to ward. Come and kill me medical students or medical-students-wannabes or doctors. I do hope that i prefer ward rounds la. But pathetically dont know why. Ok skip this, no use also talking about this. And ya, i damn hate those people-medicalStudents-doctors who look down on rehab team and saying them know nothing. Or those saying that psychiatrist do nothing in very sarcastic way~ Puck you la~

2. Just few days coming back to this holy' place and I already heard a lot o people preparing to work in Singapore. Lotza seniors, coursemates. And a very shocking news that I just heard is UKM physio course batch 2006/2010, ALL (minus one) Chinese will be working in Singapore!!! OMG..that's a very serious issue...I dont know whether only chinese going there or there are also Malays and Indians. But guys, What had happened ler??? And why our BOSSes who are collecting fat at office are so numb and deaf and blind?? And when you go and ask them, they will ask you DONT TALK SHIT la...and probably not only repeat 3 times. what the heck la~ Apa lah ni wooi???

GOGOGO Singapore!!!!

3. Prof Shahril was like knocking my head and waking me up. It's really the time to think about the right path la seriously. If you think that you are the one lazy/phobic about ward work, then ssm is probably 1 of the ways for you to experience the lab work, research, rehab etc. This is quite true. I always tell my friends that if next time you guys have any medical problems, better ask other doctors la, 'coz I'm so not 'doctoric'. Later treat wrongly...Hahha...Not funny.

4. Encountered a case of NPC. My friend's friend's uncle. 34 years old gentleman, with NPC T4N3bM1. I guess you guys can agak the prognosis la right? First presentation with only neck swelling 2 years ago to a Private hospital at Melacca and being told to have NPC. Biopsy done showed nothing (I guess the dead cells taken? and it's surgeon problem!!). Then the surgeon told him and the family that "Imposible to be nothing, it must be NPC!!), and telling him that NO CURE for it, but they can still help. (I wonder is that the technique to stay the patient there?) Of course la stupido, they sure blur la when u said no cure. Then they started looking for magic people. Partly they are very ostrich, cant accept the NPC and din go to another specialist. So they felt so LUCKY when they finally got to see a tradisional magic people at SUBANG, all the way from labis. That magic people reassured and reassured them that that's not cancer, can treat can treat~ And Magically the swelling didnt increase in size anymore!!! yeah!! they are very happy, of course the magic people lagi happy!!! 'coz he charged RM700+ per session and dont know weekly or fortnightly for 1+ year~ So? Now cant stand with the suffering already, came to hospital and easily diagnosed to be NPC mets to bone, brain, liver. Guess la the prognosis. I don't know. Cortisol was found to be sky high. I cant link to any ca spread cause. And if it's steroid that you magic people giving him all this while. NAH!! o0o

5. Seems like a lot of people already fully charged and get ready for a real tough holly final year. I'm totally not ready yet. I choose to not ready la I think. So I continue enjoying life and ssm. Yeah~ -why so serious- I really hope this is my rationalisation lo.

6. I Super DULAN those racist who raise up racial issue. What to differentiate?! You got 4 balls and need to be differentiated is it? Or you are Kambing sial that need to be so clearly differentiated from us, human being aka Homo sapiens. Diam la kambing~

Ok la.

Fullstop.

Rain

2010-04-14T16:09:00.003+08:00

这首萧条我本身并不是很想放，

好像太过烂了。

不过基于这是九年前（2001）校园演唱会阿不的参赛曲子，

给她面子吧。

外面的世界

2010-04-12T02:33:00.003+08:00

就有一天，阿不姐用它的苹果很随性的录了这首歌。

chorus最后一句有小小失误，不过也没关系。这样的即兴演奏已经很好了。=D

我和阿不姐。

人物地点介绍

2010-04-08T00:34:00.010+08:00

很多人都讲新加坡环境几好到几好，几干净到几干净，几high class到几high class。

真的米有先~

缘投的偶跟你讲啦，你不要太过中洗脑啦，也不是你想象中酱好的pun的其实~

compare起马来西亚有一小部分是很geng下的，虽然。然后那一点点我个人还蛮佩服的。

可是偶从小不懂事到现在一点点懂事以来ler，就不会很有好感那种lor。

Du~ 你看上面这张照片，瞄下还以为是在那种kampung的cheap mall才会看到的。

没有lor，这张是偶在vivocity那边二楼公厕kap到的。

口巾他三百下，整堆金从马桶那边溢出来流到洗手盆那边，也就是讲把厕所走廊淹掉一半。

女马的偶一进门就够够力不小心用nike shox踩一下那滩是液体非液体是固体非固体的大便。oh yeah,爽。凸。

不过这个并不是我不稀饭新加坡的理由啦~这种事那里都会发生的。只是跟你讲就算在vivo也会发生啦，反正这世界也没有十全十美的东西嘛~

不过话说回来啦，这次本来想去看看新加坡近期的改变和体验下那边的生活的。

tapi 到最后还是米有suprise gok，和以往一样。

就是，缘投偶黄小辉真的不稀饭那边的生活la.

pekchek。

直接从偶可能会去新加坡做工的巴仙率再一次拉到很低。

是很低那种哦。

你一定想问我zomok咧？

讲真的lor, 偶也不懂要怎样具体跟你讲。你要是有在马来西亚读过书做过功，然后再去那边读书做工，你就应该会知道了。撇开工钱表讲啦。在那边是真的可以存到钱的。

简单一句，偶不稀饭那边的生活方式。

突然就想到一句话浅浅来形容偶其中的看法

----生存以上，生活以下----

--------------------我是新加坡和印尼的分割线---------------------------

那天爽爽就招了在新加坡做工的朋友过印尼batam走走。

从harbourfront搭船去大概要45分钟-- 1小时左右。

潜水跑路咯咯咯咯~

这艘不是我们搭的，saja拍爽。

这艘才是

一班损友。

这条友现在捞到很爽，不过他讲是用汗用血用生活换来的wo。听起来很够力~

插你的林啊雄，赶快回来地球啦！！！我们都在等你~~

随便一两张。

特别美的景色就没有啦，一方面也是相机问题。

那边的kampung类似酱子，马来味很重。

令我想起有些鸟人somok事动不动就搬土著出来讲，还叫你回中国印度。

女马的，你自己先回印尼啦。平平都是公民在同一个地方找吃，就一直死命学鸟装翅膀芬鸟话。凸（-。-）

累了，懒得上传照片了。

最后附送一张一个很无聊的人的杰作

主题：一个马来西亚，一个海洋生物。

艺名：黄骏星

绰号：野人

年龄：24岁

职业：专业空调医生

状态：未婚

家乡：拉美士

当前城市：新加坡

爱好：做无聊的事，喜欢流汗，更喜欢空调。

梦想：让这世界的空气都是被冷气过滤的，树造 “同一种空气，同一个世界”

HTC charger

2010-03-30T02:29:00.002+08:00

话说我忘记带我htc charger回来。

口巾他够够力！！这几天准备吃草。

学kit仔话斋：I miss my HTC diamond 2 charger.

:: rfrf ::

Impulse

2010-03-26T17:42:00.004+08:00

U will never know how excited I m.

so strong the urge i wana go back to Labis This morning.

so strong the nafsu i wana eat Ger Tiow Gia, Ooh' perng, Lak Bee and his chicken plus Gue Ber, Bak Kut Teh, Rah Mian, HiongChuan Kopi + kampung eggs,

And the few places that Normally-A-LabisLang-will-Go --> MoHan, TeaOne (which personally i dun like the cafe for several factors, QiQi (which i Really dont like since very long time ago and i forgot why) and other cafes (which i duno the names n i somehow dun like their food n drinks)

And sadly this is not fruit season, i cant go to 'Bpah' to kutip durian or climb tree for rambutan n manggis or hentam Coco or panjat coconut tree or eat Duku/Langsat/ Dukulangsat/ longgan.

But i dun like mangga.

What the Hell!!!!

I m zap-ing or dabao-ing my bag to go back now!

Diu!!!!

I need to drive my SLM such a long distance in the Dark.

Ou Mai Kod!!!

U will never Knw my sophisticated-complicated-Schizotyped feeling.

豆原

2010-03-18T02:19:00.004+08:00

从前的从前，我戒了咖啡。

后来的后来，我又被她俘虏。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

忘了为什么当时决定戒咖啡，

就好像忘了为什么今天，

我鼓起勇气接近豆原。

然后这一天，我给了咖啡。

欢乐。痛苦

2010-03-10T14:31:00.006+08:00

又一个欢乐与痛苦的交替

---------------------------------------------------

然后。。

句号。

Skytrex -- I'm extremist!!

2010-03-09T19:54:00.006+08:00

-- VOGUE --

And we three successfully f*cked the extreme challenge

--------------------------------------------------------------

一起走过的日子

如何面对曾一起走过的日子
现在剩下我独行如何让心声一一讲你知
从来无人明白我唯一你给我好日子
有你有我有情有生有死有义
多少风波都愿闯只因彼此不死的目光
有你有我有情有天有海有地
不可猜测总有天意才珍惜相处的日子
道别话亦未多讲只抛低这个伤心的汉子

沉沉睡了谁分享今生的日子
活着但是没灵魂才明白生死之间的意思
情浓完全明白了才甘心披上孤独衣
有你有我有情有天有海有地
当天一起不自知分开方知根本心极痴
有你有我有情有生有死有义
只想解释当我不智如今想倾诉讲谁知
剩下绝望旧身影今只得千亿伤心的句子

剩下绝望旧身影今只得千亿伤心的句子

::rfrf::

《新春。回家》

2010-02-25T13:40:00.007+08:00

过年咯！！

虽然今年又吃火锅

虽然看到整桌子都是一粒一粒的料

虽然我整个晚上吃了五轮。。。

random几张。

一群绝世骚婆娘。。

和一些和我拍照的人

黑的

白的

钝的

还有一些排队拍照的人。

偷偷等我们不注意

然后偷偷take酱多暧昧照

yiu~

现实中美少女战士和猎人的合体。

够力下。

喷鼻血咧~

“b**n, K*i Si*ang, 今晚，我nyak定你”

传说中有很多屁股的巫婆。

来，姐姐教你地，乜系真正既posing~

妹妹~明白无？

识别多日，肯定你们猜不到是谁！！

光良品冠再生！！

不过光良很paiseh ~

脸都快红了。。rfrf

相机一摆出来就冲前面！

妈的！闪死你们这群千年老妖！！

那些在屋子里玩算术的年轻人。看！我们洗地也可以很开心的。 rfrf

只拍到一些单人照。。

喜欢吗？

朋友们~ xD

。

今年新春聚会《新春。回家》之 - “回到小镇我们一家” 终于圆满结束。

当晚时间真的快到。。。一下子就3-4点了。下次我看中午就可以开始了，然后直落到半夜！xD

虽然今年有很多人没到。。可是也不错下。。有一些近十年都没在一起的朋友神秘出现。。

然后，

话说有些人不懂zomok米有来。。

话说有些人结婚了不能来。。

话说有些人生意做大了赶不来。。

话说有些人来一下子就跑路。。

话说有些人从来没来。。

和

特别感谢颓废光头老kit仔做了30分钟的video，

让很多人看了都很感慨一下。

也特别感谢老杨借出相机来拍照，
和凯祥的video+老杨操刀8gb的video。

我们甭kira的啦。

。。。回到小镇，我们一家。。。

10虎年

2010-02-23T18:42:00.014+08:00

新年了！！每一年最期待的大日子！！

来，music~ 大日子~ 一个好开始~

接下来自己唱。

虽然老家是旧了点，

墙漆也落色了，

屋顶有四脚蛇和老鼠永久居留，

年尾还会淹水，

不过，

人云：姜还是老的辣，家还是旧的好

团圆饭！

老大回来了，一家人一起吃饭温馨到~

张智霖说：。。。咸鱼白菜也好好味~。。

一起长大的表兄弟姐妹们；

大姐结婚了，

往后年初一都应该不会来拜年了~

讲我们不是兄弟姐妹都米有人信，

像脸咧~

小baby们也开始变成小朋友们了。。

大朋友们也慢慢有了小baby们。。。

我们的老汉，爱玲，阿狗的 bibi~

和karen的kendrick。

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

一份缘，一线牵

够力一下，阿丰今年聚会出衣服。。

<---这姿势也够狼的。。rfrf

迟到的关系，很多人都跑路了。

害我没拍到全体照。

鸟丰又骗我一单，讲等我到才拍。

整大pek红红的，不错，够气派！

p/s : 放着一些先，以后我失忆时可以来这边看看~

。

2010-01-27T10:30:00.002+08:00

鸿珠老师……您一路好走……

Pi@no

2010-01-22T01:36:00.002+08:00

Why?

ImPacT

2010-01-16T01:56:00.004+08:00

Ok, it's now approaching the end of year 4.

I would say, if not that I can think of, the year that I've gained the least but seen a lot of changes, predominantly the dark sides.

Keeeeep complaining, am I?

For the reason I created this blog?

Describing things in details is absolutely unhealthy now. As I need to re-experience and re-judge plus re-feel everything I've gone through to make a solid reason and conclusion. It hurts, 'cause the bad things are usually giving the great impacts and it forms the ground for the subsequent things. And I couldn't figure out why is that linking in chain. This seems not right, but why on earth human's mind is sososo abstract and merely partial in control?

Alright, I'm again lost.

Things changed, people changed.

Ough this is funny that if only I realised this in my 23.

Well, perhaps I should put it in that way. When thing goes with time, it uncovers people.

Things change, people change, U change and I change.

Nelson got the words. This year I change my perception towards so many people, from good to bad mostly.

I feel the same way and somehow i am so frightened that am I the one changing? Which makes me think that so many things around me have changed?

There are so many incidents occurred unpredicted and way way way beyond my expectation.

Why?? wHy??? and WHY?!!!

Don't do this to me okay?? I know that, I have known that long time ago. I've been giving myself a chance, in fact so many chances to accept, for I think sometime it's my problem. Yes, i admit that I am quite over-reacted sometimes maybe? But There's no need for you to do this right? I am not a fool that you think you can play with. I just pretended not knowing it and never acknowlegding it.

When I am silent, it DOESN'T MEAN that I Don't know.

And I Do know that you are just Pretending to be not knowing, and being innocent.

Don'T fool Me please, for a long time I pushed my threshold so high, and indeed I don't wish you to pull it down.

Alright, I will equalize everything good/bad happened. And from now On, I would see how it goes. No excuses anymore to console me myself, I'm just tired and heavily loaded sometimes.

If it will happen, it happens.

p/s : AnD WHY? You Bunch of Intelligence are so Immature?? Very fun to Cursing people?? Is that really Fun?? REALLY FUN???

You.Guys.Are.Nothing.But.A.Group.Of.Comedy.Actors.And.Actresses.To.Me.

Burnzz

2010-01-09T00:56:00.004+08:00

It comes the most Stupidest incident of The Year 2010

Metro Tabernacle Church

DIU NIA SING SOBAI TERRORIST BURNS-GROUP

FUCK OFF TO YOUR MOTHER ASSHOLE AND SUCK THE SHIT CREAM

ANAL ATRESIA FOR YOUR EVERY NEXT GENERATION

OR CEREBRAL PALSY

WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION UNRESPONDSIVE TO MEDICINE

MAHAI YOU!!

零一。零一。一零。

2010-01-02T00:52:00.000+08:00

01-01-10

渐渐有种江郎才尽词穷的感觉。

并不是都在深渊里生活而日子贫乏，而是很多事情在还来不及反应之下，却以紧紧烧在眉睫。

常常在能抬头一望天际时，却原来是被雷雨咆哮震醒，喘息之间岁月已匆匆。。

最近在打扫时把很多以往收藏的纪念品都报销给清洁部，在没多余的考虑之下。

岁月真的是一巴很锐利的武器。从来没能战胜时间。即使这一刻占了上风，却总在下一回合里败得惨不忍睹。曾经认为很重要的东西，却在这一秒变得毫无价值意义。是原本都不值得留恋？抑或回忆抵不过岁月的摧残？

我很快就找到了答案。

堆积已久的物件就算再多，我们亦不能预算它的重量，同时累赘碍眼。

回忆就不同了。累积的回忆越多，也能令人感觉到繁重。就算是甜的，也必有酸苦去陪衬其甘甜。

所以，回忆是有重量的。就算把所有东西都丢弃了，回忆的重量永远不会减轻。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

我在树荫下，却不见我的倒影。

有的是枯叶和头上沉默树叶的影子。

和一个等我去唤醒的慵懒的天空。

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

在过去的一年里，我的人生分界两个阶段。第一阶段活得精彩，第二阶段过得感慨。

值得一提的，我确实越来越勇敢面对自己，亦可说，我越来越清楚了解自己。只希望这是一道曙光。

新的一年，期许不多。

只希望家人健健康康，

而我能一直保持微笑走完这365天。

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

--23岁，介于人生最尴尬的时期--

叮当结局篇

2009-12-20T18:41:00.003+08:00

感动下。

Daughtry

2009-12-18T11:59:00.001+08:00

p/s : 不要听可以下去按pause

痞子蔡让我向后看了一夜。

2009-12-14T00:13:00.002+08:00

这几天气候并不怎么令人开心。

天气闷热得足够让我的脑袋以摄氏100度沸腾着。

记忆匣子被窖开，一件件被遗忘了的事件缓缓溢出，我却束手无策，我已不能思考。

对于一件事物的热诚，我曾经是如此的坚持。

犹如滔滔江水连绵不绝，时而黄河泛滥一发不可收拾。

不久前发现，对一些事情多年来的持续竟是在原地踏步般，停滞却不游走。多么不堪！

可能我没发现到周围的转换和改变。

就像坐在火车里一样。以我的角度，我是静止的；但在上帝的眼里，我跟火车的速度一样。

会不会当我自以为平缓的过日子时，

上帝却认为我是快速的虚掷光阴呢？

------------------------------------------------------------------------

这是痞子蔡的比喻：

如果人生的旅途中，需要抉择的只是平交道而不是十字入口就好了。

碰到平交道，会有铛铛的警示声和放下来阻止通行的栅栏，

那么我们就知道该停下脚步。

可是人生却充斥着各种十字入口。

当十字入口的绿灯开始闪烁时，在这一瞬间，该做出什么决定？

加速通过？或是踩住煞车？

我的脚会踩住煞车，然后停在“越线受罚“的白线上。

而通常此时黄灯才亮起。

我大概是这种人，既没有冲过去的勇气，也会对着黄灯叹息。

------------------------------------------------------------------------

我确是能体会这种矛盾的感觉，因为在某种程度上，我也不过如此。

数年前当我开始了解珍惜和遗憾的意思，我已在充满迷雾的世界里寻找我的认知，诚恳地把所有事情涂上各种颜色，以便更清楚地显露却不被淹没。

事实上，当我涂上鲜艳的颜色后，或得到满城的赞赏，我却开始怀疑当初为其染色的初衷，同时渐渐疑惑。

而确实很多事情，当我终于发现真相时，却已是在很多年后的今天。

一盏灯

2009-12-07T20:43:00.002+08:00

我在空寂的世界中赶路

不断地对自己说

就快到了

风

是冰寒的

是刺骨的

Free Association

2009-11-29T11:06:00.002+08:00

There must be something striking my withdrawn mind every holiday in Labis. I was so freely taken off the usual me every time I was out of the city. But in the end, it’s reality that brought me back to where and who I am supposed to be. I am always what you guys think what I was. Yes indeed I realize that I need to be so. And eventually I should have been so, as what I myself expected years ago, and you expect all this while.

Kind of something stuck on my mind and I hardly get rid of it. But when there were times for me to sort it out, nothing’s sought in concrete. Of so many techniques of psychotherapy, I think it’s psychoanalysis that can find the root. Then, self management comes when you yourself are the psychoanalyst as well. Compartmentalizing the mind into two, and using free association with no hindering or impedance to surf between conscious and subconscious level. Identify the source and tackle it objectively, by judging them between the two compartments that have been parted. It sounds quite Alien and bizarre, and peoples think it’s crazy. Well, that’s because they don’t understand. Good defense mechanism to live life better. =) We are a lot of times doing things for no reasons, or manipulating things for not knowing the rationale. Things are so simple, yet undiscovered.

Seeing my nephew experiencing weird phenomenon in the party, when I sat him down on a chair, auntie screamed and cried just next to me, holding nephew’s head and shouted his name loud. I was not really panicky, when Absence Seizure came to my mind. Just I should be more sensitive when he looked unwell before, not waiting auntie’s respond to raise my attention. More than 10 cousins asking me in worries, and auntie was still screaming and crying while shaking him. And when I pulled her beside and simply told them he was having high fever that caused him so. Not even mentioned seizure to them as it was not typical as they thought and not to again increase their worries. What can someone do when one’s having fits? While I am still so experience-naïve? Couldn’t conceal my real feeling, for I was somewhat irritated. Who are you to be so Dramatic? Squeezing into the situation from I-don’t-know-where, taking over the whole thing, holding nephew’s head using some funny and look-like-pro-to-other-people finger gesture, close the eyes, and chanting some sort of incantation for few minutes. God, please la. Then nephew’s partially recovered, or should I say it’s still postictal drowsiness. And he was like, everyone was like thanking him. And his expression, God, please la. I admit I couldn’t bear the superstition. Well, I don’t mean to offend.

Chanting those incantation, for me it’s like chanting for your own psyche. You are the one thinking that spirit or ghost or whatever’s intruding, and you are the one chanting. The sicker probably thinks that you are so absurd and funny (At least I think so). And in fact, the ghost/spirit that you yourself think there is, has gone (or created as in hallucination or delusion or false belief) into your psyche and breaking you down. And there, you are chanting for yourself to avoid some sort of psychic dissociation in yourself, while denying it subconsciously and projecting it to the sicker. As I interpreted in this way, I would have been cursed to death. Well, I don’t mean to offend any beliefs. Just don’t practice some unsuitable thingy in these unsuitable situation.

– Godforsaken -

Ventilating until here, I was suddenly reminded by myself that it’s quite over to treat things or people or situation without much consideration, as I expressed above. I am already too technical perhaps, if logical no longer suits me. 10 years ago when I was really naïve, I wouldn’t have written this thought out in the midnight when I am so tired. No way to say I am growing or I am deviating instead.

At least for now, I realize that I am using free association to transform my thought freely into words, which is quite superb yet disorganized.

Good night
29/11/09 0429am

- Pause -

2009-11-15T00:08:00.000+08:00

来了

2009-11-13T04:31:00.004+08:00

耐人寻味

2009-11-08T00:45:00.005+08:00

当一个人开始担着日愈繁重的作业量，就会开始不像人。

有人用被强奸的说法来形容生活的无奈。

当你被一个又矮又丑又光头的黑人强奸时，请不要反抗，因为这只会让你更痛苦而已。

反之，学会冷静，

学会暂忘不好的一面，

同时学会享受。

我大概是赞同的。只是在现实生活里你能够学会冷静，能够把好的放大去看，却不能放松地去享受被强奸的快感和滋味。

- 当生活是一种快乐的时候，生命就充满了喜悦 -

- 当生活是一种责任的时候，生命就是一种奴隶 -

- 但当快乐和责任在一起的时候，快乐就是一种责任了 -

请你有责任的快乐。

很妙的启发。

只是，当责任远远胜过负荷量时，笑容很难是甜的，但眼泪一定是苦的。

耐人寻味？

是的，耐人寻味。

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

星期六是蓝色的象征么?

不然王力宏不会唱星期六的深夜了

还有卢广仲的最寂寞的时候。

窗外的深夜并没选择性的压在我胸口，我也并不觉得有什么黑暗。

因为我不是他，和他。

我不是寂寞，我只是平静。

庆生

2009-11-01T02:41:00.013+08:00

生日。

前一天和那班傻佬在sushi King庆祝俺的生日。

知道我当天会不在，然后提前一天和我去庆祝，不错有心~ =D

Thankiu 一下 :

损件

一串

围拢

禁毁

失聪

少男

Thankiu 第二下，帮我和精得庆祝生日。

难得人齐。

开心~

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

迟了45分钟，也让他们等了45分钟。

歹势hoh

饿饿饿饿饿饿饿饿

间中的photo session肯定少不了~

而且是跑来跑去拍的那种

当然少不了我的一些hallmark~

这个三十六式回风蜘蛛爪是新创的。

这条粉肠，讲以酒代礼，弄到我两天后在KL其中一条路边的半夜吐了一轮

很久没有开心的吐了

。

真的

谢谢比比，放工后从cheras来，丢下十八十八

谢谢浴巾，也放工后从pj赶来，和招了其他人

谢谢遥遥，从damansara冒着百般危险飘来

谢谢阿梦，从salak selatan过来

谢谢废鱼，从kuchai lama放工后赶来

谢谢暴米嫔，从serdang换了很多次的车来

谢谢肥秋，从bangsar过来

谢谢阿正，从setapak冲来

。

来，一张全体

-完美结局-

牵手

2009-10-25T15:37:00.002+08:00

这个周末过得很不周末式

懊恼。。

。

该你上场了，苏芮。

给我一支强心剂

在我回去继续我行尸走肉的日子之前。

一首令阿不小姐感动到哭的歌

Deviated

2009-10-21T20:05:00.003+08:00

It's Not a good day though.

Been very irritable and uncontrollable the whole day.

Guess I might have hurt or insulted people around me.

I don't mean it.

I was always subconsciously lost to somewhere (which I also don't know why).

I'm just very tired.

I'm sorry.

告诉我

2009-10-17T22:44:00.002+08:00

这几天没有什么特别的事发生。

来，听一听绮贞女神的歌。

你可以一边听一边唱的。

------------------------------------------------------------------

看沉默的电话

它什么都不说

看电视的画面

它无声的闪动

看街上的行人

跟我擦肩而过

整个世界太冷漠

我没有力气再往前走

看你紧闭的嘴唇

它什么都不说

看你飘忽的眼神

它无情的闪躲

看你和我的回忆

跟我擦肩而过

你的改变太冷漠

我没有勇气大声地说

告诉我

你不是真的离开我

你也不愿这样的夜里

把难过留给我

告诉我

你不是真的离开我

你是要惩罚我的爱让你失去自由

告诉我﹒﹒﹒

看沉默的电话

它什么都不说

看电视的画面

它无声的闪动

看街上的行人

跟我擦肩而过

整个世界太冷漠

我没有力气再往前走

看你紧闭的嘴唇

它什么都不说

看你飘忽的眼神

它无情的闪躲

看你和我的回忆

跟我擦肩而过

你的改变太冷漠

我没有勇气大声地说

告诉我

你不是真的离开我

你也不愿这样的夜里

把难过留给我

告诉我

你不是真的离开我

你是要惩罚我的爱让你失去自由

告诉我﹒﹒﹒

告诉我

你不是真的离开我

你也不愿这样的夜里

把难过留给我

告诉我

你不是真的离开我

你是要惩罚我的爱让你失去自由

告诉我﹒﹒﹒

西湖传说：梁祝

2009-10-11T16:37:00.014+08:00

东晋时期，浙江上虞县祝家庄，玉水河边，有个祝员外之女英台，美丽聪颖，自幼随兄习诗文，慕班昭、蔡文姬的才学，恨家无良师，一心想往杭州访师求学。祝员外拒绝了女儿的请求，祝英台求学心切，伪装卖卜者，对祝员外说："按卦而断，还是让令爱出门的好。"祝父见女儿乔扮男装，一无破绽，为了不忍使她失望，只得勉强应允。

　　英台女扮男装，远去杭州求学。途中，邂逅了赴杭求学的会稽(今绍兴)书生梁山伯，一见如故，相读甚欢，在草桥亭上撮土为香，义结金兰。

　　不一日，二人来到杭州城的万松书院，拜师入学。从此，同窗共读，形影不离。梁祝同学三年，情深似海。英台深爱山伯，但山伯却始终不知她是女子，只念兄弟之情，并没有特别的感受。

　　祝父思女，催归甚急，英台只得仓促回乡。梁祝分手，依依不舍。在十八里相送途中，英台不断借物抚意，暗示爱情。山伯忠厚纯朴，不解其故。英台无奈，谎称家中九妹，品貌与己酷似，愿替山伯作媒，可是梁山伯家贫，未能如期而至，待山伯去祝家求婚时，岂知祝父已将英台许配给家住贸阝城(今鄞县)的太守之子马又才。美满姻缘，已成沧影。二人楼台相会，泪眼相向，凄然而别。临别时，立下誓言：生不能同衾，死也要同穴！

　　后梁山伯被朝廷沼为鄞县(今奉化县)令。然山伯忧郁成疾，不久身亡。遗命葬贸阝城九龙墟。英台闻山伯噩耗，誓以身殉。

　　英台被迫出嫁时，绕道去梁山伯墓前祭奠，在祝英台哀恸感应下，风雨雷电大作，坟墓爆裂，英台翩然跃入坟中，墓复合拢，风停雨霁，彩虹高悬，梁祝化为蝴蝶，在人间蹁跹飞舞。

--摘自x网站--

那可索斯的疯狂主义

2009-10-11T00:05:00.003+08:00

1。

曾经一度自恋，想把自己用礼物纸裹上送给自己。

接收时会有很惊讶的表情--->

泛泪的眼眶+红肿的鼻子+欲言又止的双唇+半抽筋的脸部肌肉。

然后很感动，很感动。

他将陪我度过我面对的挫折，把我带进一个很有梦想的梦想。

当黑夜把大地覆盖后，遍布着天上的星星迷途的寻找着各自的伴侣。月光守候着。

今夜，布满灰尘的床铺不再孤独或寂寞。

因为它有了我，和我的我。

2。

我生活在一所木屋中的一扇窗外。一所被搁置的木屋，和一扇不再被打开的窗。

木屋是我的遮掩，窗是我的依靠。

雨水是我生命的来源，阳光是我活着的意义。

二氧化碳是我的食物，氧气是我的排泄物。

我汲取水分，吸收阳光，品尝二氧化碳，工程式的进行着光合作用。

我是一根还未被命名的草。

今天心情不错，我想打扮。

木屋里有一面镜子。于是我下定决心。

我和窗外的草，费力的解开互相缠绕的头发。

然后大量的吸取阳光和水分，和贪婪的吞食空气里21%的二氧化碳，努力的朝那仅有的空隙往内伸延。

我挤进了木屋内，无限的继续伸展着，寻找着我的镜子。

我的下半身继续在窗外汲取水分和阳光。

窗外其他的草的眼神是怀疑，疑惑，羡慕，和妒嫉。

我在镜子前，第一次和自己见面。我们都笑着。

在窗外的，是我不屑的一班无知和懦弱。我嘲笑着。

3。

桌上堆满了很多东西。一本书，一杯茶，两支铅笔，和三份文件。

都不是我需要的。我有的是智慧。

书和铅笔暧昧着，不过文件们都很喜欢铅笔。

隔着一杯茶，书，文件们，和铅笔斜望着，防守着等待攻击。

谁和谁没把谁放在眼里？

你们都在我控制范围里，只是没有人发现。

继续放肆吧，我有的是智慧。

想反抗？

呵，少来了。

体验

2009-10-04T02:32:00.006+08:00

那对我来说还算是颇新的常规。在繁忙的人群中挣扎脱离，地球自转了将近半周。我侧走几巷小路，拖着疲乏躯体攀爬了几十阶梯格，回宿舍的路途也不远了。有时还真的感觉到身后有几道影子尾随着。但当我意识的那一刻，才知道那只不过是我一整天在外感受的不同的心情罢了。偶尔回头一望，还真的差点把自己给吓了一跳：怎么不到一天的体验会累计那么多错综复杂的感觉啊？

我果然非凡，反省时会这么认为。

在公寓住宅下拐了一个弯，见到三几个管理员，打了门卡，按了13A楼。然后进了家门，看了几乎看闷了的室友一面。也不需要用具体的形容词去描述他了，总之他不在电脑或书前，就在梦里和白发魔女大战三百会合了，有时还会发出澎湃的鼾声。我脱下盔甲，洗了个冷水澡，然后开了电脑，坐望着荧幕，把最后一口充满疲惫的气息吐出，整理着一天的心情收获。偶尔两位室友还会帮我打包了晚餐，这是一种感动。

处于同一个环境久了，心境未必就一样。想法改变着，人学习成熟着，心灵升华着。

不过还好没升天。

我常常会把心情标在一张图上，尽量不让大多数居于下限。或是在记忆本子里，在空页中画上一条分割线，好的归列在左，坏的在右。有时真的很怀疑，我是如此的不了解我自己？还是我太过于执著？

学习着看远，同时学习着看淡。如今，我还在学习着。

-------------------------------我是分割线----------------------------------

-我需要休息我需要安静的举行-

-我需要休息我需要煽动的潮汐-

--陈绮贞-腐朽--

不久前，我把以往收集的“轨系列’’全部堆出整理一番。那是真的悲哀，水准一届不如一届。当中令我印象最深刻的，莫过于系列之十四-一个萝卜一个坑。

“你做了哪些事，足以证明你并未虚度人生？’’

这插页令我深思。简单的一句话，让我在接下来的几个夜里情绪隐隐发酵，却久久不能释怀。还好等不及思绪爆发，我已渐渐沉睡。

梦与现实之间，什么差别，什么关系？

当我品尝着快乐，快乐确实有点香。我笑了，梦也膨胀了。

经验值：活在当下。

12hours Recall

2009-09-30T18:50:00.002+08:00

Well, I just want to make a summary for myself. I am confused. This is another technique of self evaluation, namely 12hour recall of Self Mental State Examination.

Woke up this morning at 0650am, forcedly, reluctantly with anxiety. I didn't get enough sleep. This's gonna spoil my mood for the whole day. *1HATE*

Alarm was accidentally turned off which nearly made myself comatous continuously and missed my bus, making me very anxious and ganjiong for my morning preparation. *2HATE*

Made myself a cup of milo with oats, end up having 2 sips only because of running out of time. This equals to no breakfast. *3HATE*

The worst, torturing thing staying in Laman midah is undoubtedly walking for a long long distance to HUKM. I don't enjoy walking anyway. *4HATE*

HUKM -> HKL 10km but it took 1 hour to reach, thanks to traffic jam, I utilised the time to sleep in the bus. *1LIKE*

Reached HKL at 0830am, totally no mood to clerk patients, damned sleepy...Some more still have to cover bed. This's exactly like being raped. *5HATE*

Ward round with Dato' Dr. Z, being thrown 3 questions, couldn't answer any of them. Weak. *6HATE*

Eventually dingdong 1230pm, lunch time. shuttle bus---fenghuang's zapfan lunch. Then we waited for 20min but no shuttle bus taking us back to Paeds department. And we walked. *7 HATE*

Teaching started at 140pm, presented a long case without proper preparation of history and examination. Acted stupid. *8HATE*

Second teaching, clerking on the spot, being commented ---mulut gatal--- *9HATE*

Walk-running to KCKL to catch bus at 5pm. cramped!!! *10HATE*

Reach home at 630pm, bathed--->700pm

Experience points : 10 HATE 1 LIKE...................It's more than 9 Dead 1 Alive

序

2009-09-26T22:46:00.000+08:00

这是个奇怪的现象，就如你正午12点抬头发现北斗七星，或者太阳和月亮在偷情。

这样的不可思议，并不是不可能发生，不过当你发现科学理论证实99。99%不会发生的同时，你通常忘了去惊讶还有那0。01%的可能。我常常会坚持占大多数部分的理论，虽然偶尔我会保持我处于0。01%的立场，不过通常都是为了让人觉得我非常有想法，而为自己的心虚贴上自信而已。而当有部分人类被我巧妙的肢体和言语所催眠时，我会自豪的扬起充满50分的自信+50分的藐视的笑容，去讥讽剩下我认为的荒谬。整个过程当中，鲜少时候我会犹豫，因为那只是在0。1秒之下发生的。

我曾经怀疑，我已被我疯狂的思维所迷惑。简单的说，我可能疯了。

有时候，我会认为我肩负着非常重要的任务，不过当然不是无间道里梁朝伟的角色，因为很明显的我并不是他。（这种答案很累。）所谓重要的任务就好比一个非常有潜质的医生奋力的不为自己的未来，而为社会的福利及人民的安福打拼。或者树立一个超级好榜样给家中二老及弟妹学习。但是，很不幸的，我举例的任务通常在梦中才能践行。当然，我的认为是来自我的感觉，而当我费力八百地去考验我的认为时，它并不明朗化，这时候我就会说-感觉是无从证明的。

也在最近，我了解到一句话 - 所谓的感觉，是一种很自我。

然后，我也解读到 - 我被矛盾在互相矛盾着。

同时，我也发现，如果我一直在推论下去，你们会被我逼疯。

那我又要回去上个世纪奇怪的现象了。两年前，当我关闭这个部落格时，我曾认为不会再有心思去写文章或心情作品，因为我不认为我会找到写文章的理由，也认为我并不是这种都市部落格猎人。但，很明显的，我错了。因为在我被上一份感觉拥有时，我依然找不到一个合理的理由；也在我突然有了现在这一份感觉时，我发现我的理由就是没理由。这充分的推翻了人类所认定的可能与不可能，因为我在不下于0。1秒的时间里把多过99。999%的不可能变成可能。

我相信，部分人会开始认同我的推理；而当我知道后，我亦会毫无考虑的扬起我那50-50理论的嘴角。

顺道提醒你，太阳和月亮也许有一天会偷情。